The 8 Least Influential People In Surfing
"Raising a glass to those that have done absolutely fuck all with their lives."
Every now and again the various surf media trott out the list of the most influential people in surfing. The lists have a nebulous, vague criteria, though you can bet your bottom nipple that Kelly Slater, Mick Fanning, Gabriel Medina, John John Florence and Steph Gilmore will feature.
The list is fairly obvious, and rather easy to assemble. But what about the least influential people in surfing. How come they never get their list? Well, that’s what the Surf Bugle is for. To champion the underdogs. To raise a glass to those who have done absolutely fuck all with their lives. And so here is the definite list of the eight least influential people in surfing.
Jeff Fingleton, aged 44, amateur surf photographer.
“I brought a 20 grand Canon 7D with 700ml lens and have been to five World Tour events this year and did six weeks at Nazare,” said Fingleton proudly. “I want to become a surf photographer and give up being a printer cartridge changer. That’s my dream. I haven’t actually sold any photos, but my nephew did “like” one on Facebook, so that’s a start. I think self-publishing might be the way forward.”
Sophie Green, 21, marketing assistant, World Surf League Inc.
“I have been here six months. It’s been awesome, although I mainly do filing and comment on our social media posts. One day John John came into the office. I didn’t meet him, or see him, but he was there, which is cool. I don’t surf, though I am working in Tavarua for two weeks so I might learn there. Yay! I actually just want to get a job in fashion.”
Rick Wakefield, mainstream non-endemic sponsor target.
“I don’t surf, I live about 5 hours drive from the beach. But I might watch it on TV, for like five minutes, if there was nothing else on. I like it when the surfer guys shoot through the air when they end a wave. That shit is super cool. I heard the Olympics is at a big wave in Tahiti. I might watch that. If it doesn’t clash with the women’s beach volleyball, clean and jerk weightlifting or the pentathlon.”
RotterCock, 22, Instagram Humorist
“I watch the webcasts and then Insta, meme, Snapchat and blog how shit pro surfing is. It’s kinda ironic, but also with an inside take, but looking from the outside. It’s really sarcastic and really funny. I am a regular on the Beach Grit comments section and one time Chas Smith replied. Last week Stab liked one of my Instagram posts. So that’s shows you how funny I am.”
Ted Bundy, 37, Surf Writer
“I started in magazines when they existed, but now with the Intranet you have to come up with stuff all day, every day. Most of the crap I, literally, make up. Every now again, I do some commentary or get paid by brands to flog their surf-adjacent consumer goods and I meet some famous surfers. That’s when I post on social media. And then I go back to shouting at clouds and telling stories about being on a boat trip with Andy Irons in 2002. It's not a bad life, is it?”
Ed Tenward, 26, Long form Surf Writer and Podcaster
“I’m into the long read and think there is space for well-researched, literary-style, 3000-word essays on the issues that the corporate-run surf media won’t tackle. I have had one article, which dissected the fundamental disassociation between brands and surfers, and the misogyny that reins in that trans-corporate space, published. That was two years ago. My podcast, based on that topic, is available on all the major platforms.”
Thierry LaRouche, 32, ex-sponsored surfer
“I was sponsored for three years by a minor label. I had free clothes and even once went on a boat trip and had three photos in Surf Europe. Then I was dropped. I don’t surf much anymore, but I do smoke a lot of weed.”
Jade and Jack Dirmbach, 23, new surf brand owners,
“Our new surf fashion brand is ethical, fashionable and totally unique. At this stage we just do t-shirts, but the cotton is sourced from sustainable yak semen and only three Chinese children have died in the process. In five years we want to be as big as Quiksilver, or Fat Face, we believe in this brand that much. Last year we sold 50 shirts, so the growth has been amazing.”
Amy Eades - VAL, content creator and influencer
“I came to surfing late and I think that gives me a fresh perspective. I started off doing free content at the surf events and have progressed to telling athlete stories, but in a personal, authentic way for corporate brands. Some of the best surfers are my best friends. I like lonboards, long skateboards and LinkedIn."