Sign The Petition To Get Rod Cunthorpe Into The Vans Pipe Masters

"In what world does a fucking Youtuber eclipse the talent, draw, and ethical standards of Rod Cunthorpe?"

As the world’s leading investigative surf journalist, I’ve been snubbed before. I was arrested at Mick Fanning’s wedding and divorce parties, and banned from WSL press conferences from 2012 to 2021 for a variety of offences ranging from calling out the governing body on sportswashing to a false charge of “upwetsuiting” Michael Bourez. I once was held underwater for the entirety of the Eddie Aikau Opening Ceremony after protesting the lack of women surfers, a kneeboard division and Victor Ribas. 

Another commentary ban was enforced after I used the verb “fingering” live on air, despite it being used in context (a cousin) and as a genuine term of endearment. Speaking truth to power, putting a fart cushion under Laird Hamilton’s jetski seat and refusing to be vaccinated, despite the practice being the greatest medical breakthrough of all human endeavour, it turns out, has its consequences. Meanwhile, the WSL’s Paul Evans can, gleefully, weigh female athletes on stage with a proper scale, announce their girth and heft, and come out smelling of roses. 

Yet nothing prepared me for the shock this week when the invitees were announced for the Vans Pipe Masters. And Cunthorpe wasn’t on it. This, as you Surf Bugle Fans know, was once the pre-eminant surf tournament in the world. And that was even when the Southern Stanwell Sensational Seventies Single Fin Surf Off And Sausage Sizzle (Sponsored by the Shell Service Station and held on the Second Saturday in September) was held between 1998 and 2006. 

In its long history, the Pipe Masters has had its share of controversies. In the 1970s they once made a 7-man final after a Hawaiian surfer refused to take his semifinal loss. A playbook that a certain Donald Trump would use much later, and may explain his enduring popularity with many top-flight Hawaiian surfers. That, or his dismissal of climate change, inherent racism, criminal charges and rape convictions. It's hard to tell.

Anyway, my point being, The Pipe Masters has always been political. Fred Hemmings, who started it, was a former Wold Champion who would become a Republican Senator for 30 years. In 2022, when the WSL Finals was introduced, the CT event was pushed from last event to the start and they lost the rights. In a long sequence of scheduling that is more boring than listening to my Uncle Ian recount his latest Pearl Jam gig, Vans got the license for the Pipe Masters and turned it into an Invitational event. 

And yet with 40 men and 20 women in the draw (scandalously half being Hawaiians) a prize pool of $300,000, and pretenders like Nathan Florence, Kala Grace and Koa Rothman getting a start, old Rod misses out.

Now I’m not one to make a fuss. We’ve all seen this week Jamie O’Brien throw his toys out of the pram when he didn't get an invite. Look, JOB is a massive Bugle fan, but what the fuck has he ever done at Pipe?

From what I can gather, most of his work is done building sandcastles on the beach. And yet surf stars and their sycophants have rallied behind him to ensure he got a start. In what world does fucking Youtuber eclipse the talent, draw, and ethical standards of Rod Cunthorpe?

Has he got 110 followers on Facebook? Does he ride a minimal? Has he ever been strangled by Kelly Slater for calling him a bald cunt who should have retired when he won his last Pipe Masters and whose environmental credentials are, at best, well-intentioned, and at worse, horribly misguided? Has he ever stolen Bethany Hamilton’s bike from Rocky Point? Has he a tattoo, written in Japanese, saying “Neco Padaratz is Innocent”? Has he been banned from the Surfing Adaptive Games by faking dyslexia, dyspraxia, delayed development (later proven to be accurate) and dystopia? Has he fuck?

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If anyone deserves to be in the Vans Pipe Masters, it's Rod Cunthorpe. So I’ve set up a fundraiser and a petition. All monies raised will go to paying bribes to the relevant corrupt Pipe Masters officials bro, lifting existing restraining fees, and paying for airfares, accommodation and all the necessary low-grade amphetamines needed to survive on Oahu.

Rod Cuthorpe needs your support. And the Pipe Masters needs Rod. It’s time to pull your fingers out. Or at least pay and subscribe to the Surf Bugle.